To Be Fully Known

docked ship
Photo by Tobias Bjørkli on

We are all in the same boat trying to maneuver the sea. At least that is what we are suppose to believe and live by. No matter how we got on the ship. Actually, I would like to get off this cargo ship and onto the cruise ship. Where is the harbor at? No matter the religion that brought us here we have chosen the same way to the goal and target. Out of all the possible ways to vote we decided to vote the same on this one issue. All other issues aside, this issue was decided to be the one that looks past differences and just focuses.

We are to be united in our struggles. Yet, I have spent the last week trying to diligently live united and well it makes me much more aware of how divided from others that I actually am. Depending on others is hard. Too hard. Sure plenty of it falls on my vote casting by ignoring and asking wrong, giving up to early, and just having anxiety over being watched constantly. What box am I suppose to cheek? I want everyone to feel loved but I myself don’t want to love everyone, at least not in that way. Get me off this boat! I am jumping ship! I am swimming back to the island all by myself. There seems to be plenty of reasons for this, which I am trying to work out. Just making the decision to be united to others has proven to be, well almost just as difficult as NOT being in the same boat. I may no longer be lonely but it is evident that I am incredibly flawed.

To be fully known is to be fully loved. Well I don’t actually want that much vulnerability. United love sure but it is not completely free? Having someone always knowing everything about you is just plain irritating more than supportive. I would like to put on my breathing mask now and escape this crash course. There doesn’t seem to be a happy medium. Like I will be 40% vulnerable so that makes me to be 60% loved. It is more like an all or nothing ratio. I don’t like that. I would rather be private. Lying enthusiasm seems to be better than publicly admitting actually I still have neediness.

I feel like I am constantly putting myself out there saying, “Yeah, I finally admit I need help” and the response is “Yeah, I don’t know how to help you.” Thumbs up to the alien clear across the parking lot. I want to tell him actually this store doesn’t sell what your looking for try Target but he was to far away. Thanks for the implied compliment though, that helps a lot, I think.

Do I limit my experience of being loved by refusing to share my weakness? Yes, of course. Actually, I seem to prefer it. I don’t have to put up with public comments about what holiday it may be based on who sits behind me on the ship. Maybe it was too frequent, maybe it wasn’t. Why does someone have to pass judgement on that? Why do others have to weigh in on the frequency? Maybe it just feels great to not have an ache for a day, regardless if shopping was suppose to be on the day’s agenda. Actually, that seems more like a fitting analogy. That people have not bought into the idea of being on the same boat but they all seem to be causually shopping. Who wants to buy something that seems quite flawed and imperfect. Nope, they will wait for the thing worth buying. At least that is how it feels when I can’t seem to get things right.

Holy smokes I may eventually get it right at Aldi. Plenty of options in that store. So kudos’ to the easy to talk to guy at Office Depot who apparently cooks, well and often. I think I met him before since He recalls more small talk than my own therapist. Thanks random cowboy for the offer, I like your hat. If only I knew how to ask for more house power you would likely have been the Best Buy of the day. Waiting in line can be boring but thanks man for your warmth in line, I will make sure to look you up if ever I find myself needing clean up at a snow storm. No need to wait by the phone just wait for me to get the right sign language down, I guess. Shopping is way more united to the Lord than one would think.

I generally do not go around advertising my weaknesses, it just comes across naturally. I seem to embarrass myself daily. Letting others know what a burden I can be. I think my weaknesses are so very evident that you just know without me saying it. One glance and there is no question that much better shopping options are out there.

If a person doesn’t try to find out why the weakness is even a part of their life than misjudgment happens. Plus I haven’t figured out how to say things when I am put on the spot. As mother Teresa says, it is not our job to judge but to love. Although think about it, it is so much easier to love a homeless person when you know their whole story as to how they came to their circumstance. Just it really is not any of our business to know.

Maybe that is the stumbling block for me. Like I know how come a weakness is a part of my life, yet I often am not willing to share how I got that way. So my weakness is misjudged. It is thought to actually be something else. Actually, I have had people just walk away crying (ok tears in their eyes) because they perceived that I rejected them. At least, I think that is what makes others eyes water.

Isn’t it the worst when you know someone knows something bad about you. Some poor decision that has been made. Some issue with how you had fallen. Than they instead of loving you turn away from you. Leave you. Abandon you. Scorn you. Decide for themselves that you are unable to rely on others and should be kicked off the ship. Let you fend for yourself. After all you don’t need a ship in the desert or at the supermarket.

Yet despite ourselves and people, God fully knows us and fully loves us. He knows it all. We do not have to hide anything from him because no matter what he still loves us. That is the only relationship in our lives that is truly and fully unconditional.

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